A walk in my shoes...

I really must be a masochist or something… I haven’t heard from him since he came over to talk on Thursday… Third time I have let him do this to me. I’d like to say that I’m not going to do it again, but truth is that stupid boy has some kind of control over me… Maybe its the fact that I actually saw us planning a life together? UGH. What the hell is wrong with me? He’ll come around again… but next time I have to be stronger. I have to be.

(via sylvysparrow)

I haven’t seen you in 5 months. We broke up because you went on a drunken rampage telling me how much you loved me after 2 years of being together. Not once had you said it before, and now here you were yelling it at me in your front yard. You threw things, yelled, screamed, cried, and wouldn’t let me go. Then you wondered why I left and I didn’t want to talk to you. You gave it 3 weeks before you started seeing someone new. 3 weeks. We were basically together for 2 friggin’ years and that is all you gave me for time apart? I wasn’t ready to talk, I wasn’t ready to forgive you for acting like a child. I wasn’t ready to forgive you for yelling in my face, breaking my phone, and scaring me when you grabbed me and wouldn’t let me leave. We never had a normal relationship. I can almost guarantee that after over 2 years you don’t know what color my eyes are. I know you don’t know that my favorite colors are purple and lime green, that my favorite animal is an elephant, that I’m obsessed with zebra print things, and that I could live off of Chinese food for a week and not get tired of it.

You came around and tried to keep me after about a month of us being apart, and you being with the new girlfriend for a little over a week. I told you to drop her if you really wanted me, and you couldn’t do that. You tried to be my friend, and I told you that I wasn’t ready. We have one picture together, and in fact I hate because I look terrible, but I refuse to get rid of it because after 2 goddamn years we only have that one. 4 months with her and you have already been on 4 vacations with her, and have pictures upon pictures of the two of you together. It was like pulling teeth to get you to be seen in public with me. I had to beg you, while I was drunk, to come down to my job and have a drink with me because no one that I worked with believed that you even existed… And to this day some people still don’t.

I cut you out of my life and had no intentions of ever talking to you again because I clearly just needed to move on with my life and then of course you came around again. The beginning of last month (September) you messaged me completely out of the blue wanting to talk to me. You told me how much you missed me and that you haven’t been happy since you were with me. I wasn’t over you so I let you back in. You broke it off with her, and made me believe that you really and truly wanted me back. I needed to think about it and sort out my thoughts, and that is exactly what I had told you I needed to do. When I had finally figured it all out, and had decided that I was going to give you another chance because I missed you so badly that it hurt, my uncle passed away. I told you I needed some space and that it had nothing to do with you, but that this is how I grieve…alone. You said that you understood, and would give me the space I needed. I went home to deal with the family things for 4 days. I returned to only find that you had gone back to the same girl you had told me wasn’t making you happy because she wasn’t me. I had had it I was through with you, and I damn well let you know it… Its been about a month and a half since that, and here you are…again. You’re telling me everything that I want to hear, but everything that I never wanted to hear from you again.

Some stupid little piece inside of me can not seem to let you go. I wonder every single day what we would be like if we were still together. I check your page to see what you are up to, because I am so proud of you in your job. You are back here telling me that you miss me, and you missed out on a great chance with me. I want to see you face to face to tell you the million things that run through my head when I see your name pop up in my text inbox. This is the first time in 5 months that I have actually agreed to come see you… and suddenly you aren’t responding. What the hell is wrong with you? Better yet… what in the hell is wrong with me?! I keep letting you do this to me… make me weak at the knees, get butterflies in my stomach, and my hands start to shake because I am just so nervous to see you… but you can’t even respond when I am actually coming to you, and not pushing you away.

I’m not even sure which way I want this conversation to go tonight. I don’t know if I want to get back together with you, or if I want this to be closure, or what. But I do know that if I don’t get this 1,000 lb. weight off of my chest that I have been carrying around for almost 6 months I might die. Truth of the matter is that I am seeing someone. But its been a huge secret for months because its an affair, on their part. So no, I’m not desperate… There is just something that won’t let me let this go and I need to figure out what that is. Tonight.

I’m not even sure how to use this, and I have no idea how it even begins to work. However, I needed somewhere to be able to let things out. To get them off my chest and to be able to just not keep it inside anymore. There are so many different things going on in my head that I just can’t keep them in anymore.

So… here’s to figuring this out and using it on the regular.